There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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