So gin and wine won't be happening again
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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