I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
