What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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