i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
