I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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