I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
