oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
