shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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