I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
