Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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