come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
