dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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