Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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