i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
