My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
