his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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