just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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