Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
They have beer where we have blood.
Oh god it's open bar.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
