I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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