i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
