Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
