Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
