capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
