I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
