So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
