I molested 6 butterflies tonight
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
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Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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