This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
