Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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