i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Randomize
