I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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