Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
