if you like me you must not know who I am
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
