Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
