can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's blow job season.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize
