he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
