Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
