It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
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I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
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And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
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