I just made out with a guy for $7.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
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