it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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