Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
