I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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