he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.