I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
