I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
