Where did you get a picture of my penis
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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