so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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