i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
