I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
We left an ass print on the piano.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
