You're earring is so big in my mouth
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
you never un-have a 4some
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
