i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
