I should be sponsored by Trojan
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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