I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
