the condom got lost in my hair
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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