i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
