brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
