why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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