You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
