It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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