i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
