1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Randomize
