I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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