My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Someone shit on the floor
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
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I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
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I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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