Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
