I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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