"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Randomize
